Two

Two is harder than one. Terrible twos. I've heard the term. Melese and I have had a rough few weeks. In a real mothering low, I sat weeping in our desk chair while Meazi tried to comfort me by stroking my hair. She couldn't really, because her tiny hand was clenching some "Goddamn coins she'd better pick up before her brother eats them." I have been at my wit's end. He has been throwing tantrums, whining, crying, and literally destroying every item in our house. Steven has been working ridiculous hours, which adds to Melese's frustration. In an even lower mothering moment I barked to Steven on the phone, "He is being a real asshole!" Yep, called my darling, formerly docile son, an asshole. What a jerk I am.

I realize he is asserting his independence and that is good. I am realizing that I am not a very patient person. I realize that there are some things that he is absolutely not allowed to do, like hurt the dog. He doesn't respond to, "Stop that." He laughs when I put him in a 'Time In'. I have been yelling at him. I feel terrible.

Also, he has been sick. Since the fundraiser. Several times in the past I have taken him to the doctor for a cough and the doctor has said, "It's a cough. Nothing you can do about it. Ride it out." My friend Amy spent an hour with him the other day and told me the cough sounded bad. I took him in. He is on antibiotics. I am a jerk.

The saddest thing that I have ever seen him do happened this morning. He woke up, looked at me, looked at Meazi, and said, "Where's my daddy?" I told him that he had to leave early for work (5:30). He burst into hysterics, "I want him! I want him!" We called him on the phone, and Melese just held the phone to his chest for a half-hour. He whimpered and whimpered just listening to Steven working on the other end. It was heartbreaking. 

He is talking about Ethiopia. I don't know what it is going to take to make me step up my game on this stuff. Meazi's early revelations, and surprisingly early discussions about her past should have made me realize that Melese was going to want to talk about this stuff 'early' too. I am not trying to completely beat myself up about everything here, but I really have failed a lot lately.

Luckily, my beautiful son is forgiving. I believe we had a break-through today. He was on the potty and he said, "Africa, I have someone there mommy." I said, "I know you do Melese. You have many someones there." And we said their names together. How is it possible that these kids are so wise at such a young age? Is it that they have lived lives with huge events already?

My son is not a terrible two. He is a resilient, brave, beautiful being and I am going to do better.

I have to.