Mother Fail

Isn't there a 'Fail' blog or something? I think I should start a new blog, "Mother Fail".

It is a tricky thing, blogging when you get back. Besides the fact that I am having an identity crisis of my own, it seems the blog will have one as well. There are so many things that I would like to write about. Since M&M are not the authors of this blog, I feel like I must guard so much of their personal information. (Ha! I am sure Steven just muttered, "Why is she so open about me on the blog then?") I am trying to figure out a way to write so that my words have meaning, but I also feel very guarded and censored as so much of what happens, just in the day to day, is probably a result of our children's very specific life experiences. I also don't want to be a rainbows and unicorns blogger now that I have my happy ending, because after a couple weeks home I really wanted to punch all of those people in the face, repeatedly.

Our trip. I don't even feel like I can write honestly about that. The main reason is that I have never been happier to come home to Los Angeles, and I don't even like Los Angeles. I felt like we were in Ethiopia for six months. That is a long story, and not as ominous as it sounds, but my opinions on our trip would be, I am sure, hugely unpopular. I was also pissed off at everyone when I got home. I thought that people should have told me just how devastating it was over there. I am not sure what I was expecting. I guess I wasn't expecting it to be that heartbreaking. Maybe I thought it would be just a little bit heartbreaking.

So, what would be helpful? What would prepare people who are about to do this? Here is the single most important thing to know, " It will be difficult". Maybe it is just me, but this has been hard, and wonderful, and awful. I certainly, also, don't want to bitch and moan about something that some people are STILL WAITING for. I just want people to know that it may be harder than they thought it would be.

Let's be specific. Things I wish that I had done before meeting my children:

1. Learned more Amharic.
2. Sat down with Steven to come up with a clear, agreed upon, method of discipline.
3. Read more detailed information about babies (i.e. What to Expect the First Year).

The first week home was amazing. Steven and I were both home with them, and well, just look at them...

Then the shit hit the fan when I got sick, and Steven went back to work. I don't remember ever feeling that sick. It was awful. I was trying to meet the needs of these two lovelies, when I could barely lift my head off of the bathroom floor. Luckily, I had help, and we muddled through.

Now they stir, and I must go. Quickly before I do, my biggest failure as a mother, (so far, who knows what today will bring) is that I cannot differentiate betweeen what is typical toddler behavior, and what is adoption related. This inability to decipher has made me a wishy-washy disciplinarian and has produced poor results. More on that later.

So, if this post wasn't hodgepodge-y enough, let me reach out here and mention that I believe, with all my heart, that daily tragedies (and I don't mean of the parenting kind) I mean of the life and death kind, could be prevented with food. Tomorrow marks the last day of Meghan's fundraising campaign for Doctors Without Borders. Please donate today, if for no other reason than that you may prevent more Ethiopian children from ending up with an inexperienced, geriatric, adoptive mother like me.
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